Scriptless
by Scholar for Christ
Summary: When Merry and Pippin set off a firework in the printing room, the Fellowship must attempt their quest without scripts! The result: Hilarious mistakes,arguing wraiths, backup melons and bullfrogs! Enjoy!
1. Prologue

Author's Note: Much of this was written with absolutely no advance planning. I do hope to continue through all three movies though. :D I can't wait for The Two Towers. Merry and Pip will be having a lot of fun in there!

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my very own plot bunny named Fluffers and a few too many socks… and the general oddness… that's mine too.

**Prologue: Concerning Scripts**

**Frodo**: Ah… a nice calm, quiet afternoo-

_BOOOOOOM _

**Frodo**: Never mind… Pippin! What are you doing in the printing room?

**Pip**: Nothing! It was Merry!

**Merry**: It was not!

**Pip**: Was too!

**Frodo**: Sam?

**Sam**: They went and set off a firework in the printing room, Mr. Frodo. The scripts've been burnt to ashes.

**Frodo**: Great. The one thing Gandalf trusts us to do and you two go and blow it up.

**Pip**: Gandalf?

**Frodo**: Yes, Pippin "Gandalf." He had the dwarves handle weapons, the elves are doing the costumes and now we are supposed to have hundreds of scripts printed and labeled by character and instead we've got piles of ashes. It's a good thing I've already read through mine.

**Merry**: Well… it can't be all that bad. We can just make it up as we go! Some of the stuff in those scripts was downright insulting anyway.

**Frodo**: (sigh) I swear, if this turns out badly, I'm telling Gandalf what _really_ happened.

**Pip/Merry**: Gulp

**Sam**: Mr. Frodo? I think yer Uncle Bilbo's supposed to start.

**Frodo**: Okay… here we go…


	2. Concerning Hobbits, Wizards and Parties

**Chapter One: Concerning Hobbits**

Bilbo: Hmm… where to begin?

BANG BANG BANG

Bilbo: Frodo! The door!

BANG BANG BANG

Bilbo: Frodo! What are you doing over there? Get the door will you?

Frodo: Uncle! I'm not really here!

Bilbo: What are you talking about, boy?

Frodo: (glowers at Merry)

Merry: Mr. Baggins! Where's your ring?

Bilbo: My ring? What are you- (pats pockets) My ring!

Pip: Nice job, Merry.

Merry: Thank you.

Bilbo: Oh! Here it is! (Hunches over, eyes wide) Myyy precciousss…

Frodo: Okay, Uncle. Good job! I think that's it for this scene.

Bilbo: Back off, Bigfoot! It's mine!

Frodo: Bigfoot?

Sam: Oi! Mind yer manners Mr. Bilbo!

Bilbo: YAAAAAAH! (Jumps at Sam)

Sam: AHHHH!

Frodo: Wait! What's that?

Gandalf: (faintly) The road goes ever on and on…

Merry: Aren't you in that scene?

Frodo: (rushes off) Take care of Bilbo for me, Merry!

Merry: Why me?

Sam: (gasp)

Bilbo: (Strangle)

Merry: (sigh) Okay, Mr. Baggins… let's get you fixed up for the party…

**Chapter Two: Concerning Wizards**

Frodo: (huffpuff) Made it… whew…

Gandalf: You're late.

Frodo: Uh… somehow I don't think this is how it's supposed to go…

Gandalf: Well if someone had sent out the scripts on time like he was supposed to then maybe we wouldn't have problems like this.

Frodo: Ah… yes… the scripts. About that…

Gandalf: You destroyed them, didn't you?

Frodo: No! They're just… missing! Yeah, that's it… missing.

Gandalf:…

Frodo: So… um… It's great to see you, Gandalf!

Gandalf: Likewise, I'm sure… grumblehobbitsgrumble.

(Frodo climbs into the cart beside Gandalf)

Frodo: So, what've you been up to?

Gandalf: I really can't recall… this and that and the other, nothing of much interest to a hobbit such as yourself and seeing as I'm _without my script_ I have no way of knowing just how much information to give you at this moment.

Frodo: Oh…

(awkward silence)

HobbitKids: Gandalf! Fireworks, Gandalf! Fireworks!

Gandalf: Grumblehobbitsgrumble…

Frodo: Gandalf?

Gandalf: Hmm?

Frodo: The children?

Gandalf: Oh… fine then.

BANG WIZZ POP POW

Hobbitkids: Yaaaaaay!

Frodo: Good heavens, Gandalf! You nearly blew their heads off with that one!

Gandalf: Well if I hadn't just been told that all our lines are _missing_ maybe I'd be able to aim better!

Frodo: gulp… Hey look! The Party Tree!

Gandalf: Oh, yes. I don't want your uncle improvising his speech so those scripts had better reappear before tonight or I'll have your hide, Frodo Baggins!

Frodo: Oh, look there! I think I see Sam! Well it was great talking to you Gandalf, so glad you're back and all that but I've really got to be going!

(Frodo flees)

Gandalf: Hobbits…

**Chapter Three: Concerning Parties**

Sam: Mr. Frodo, who's doing the titles if we've lost the scripts?

Frodo: I think Bilbo is for a while. Gandalf says he can't do it the whole time though.

Sam: Why not?

Frodo: Gandalf doesn't like the word "concerning". It concerns him.

(Gandalf rushes by with more fireworks heading for a small group of hobbit children)

Sam: That concerns _me_ a bit.

Frodo: Don't worry. He's calmed down since this morning. They'll be fine.

Sam: Yes, but who's watching the fireworks?

_BOOOOOOM_

Frodo: I'd say Merry and Pippin have that covered.

Sam: Great. This'd better be in the script or we're all doomed.

RandomHobbit: DRAGON!  
RandomHobbit: Run for your lives!

(Chaos)

Dragon: Swoop… BOOOOOOOM

(Merry and Pippin fall out of the sky and land right in front of Frodo and Sam)

Merry: (moans) That was good… (cough)

Pippin: (face down, voice muffled by dirt) I've never felt so alive!

Gandalf: _Frodo Baggins!_

Frodo: Uh oh…

Gandalf: Is this what you call under control!

Sam: You told him everything was under control?

Frodo: It was at the time!

Merry: I'm light as a feather! (Flaps "wings" against the ground)

Pippin: (sits up, eyes huge and wild looking) Why is everything so sparkly?

Gandalf: You, Mr. Baggins are lucky I have these two to deal with. And you'd better have your uncle's speech written out or so help me I'll-

Pippin: Ow! Merry watch out!

Merry: I'm flying!

Gandalf: Of all the …grumblegrump (drags Merry and Pippin off before they injure someone else)

Bilbo: Your attention, please!

Sam: You did write his speech, right Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: Sam… this may be the last time we speak to each other.

Sam: Oh dear…

Bilbo: My dear Bagginses and Boffins! Grubs! Chubs! Hornblowers! Bolgers! And Proudfoots!

RandomHobbit: Proudfeet!

Bilbo: Whatever. It's my eleventy oneth birthday; I can do what I want.

RandomHobbit: Not if you're going to insult us!

Bilbo: There's more where that came from if you don't quiet down! Now, I don't know half of you… wait…

Frodo: Oh no…

Sam: It was nice gardening for you, especially the magnolias. I'll miss them.

Frodo: Me too, Sam… me too.

Bilbo: No! I've got it! Ahem, I know half of you more than I should like and I hate less than half of you half much as I should.

Sam: Was that right?

Frodo: Sounded okay to me. Maybe I can live through this.

Bilbo: Regrettably, I'm leaving the Shire to go live with tall beings who are by far more good looking than the fairest of you. So, I'm off! Goodbye Frodo, lad wherever you are!

_Bink_

Frodo: I'm dead.


	3. Concerning the Ring and other stuff

**Chapter Four: Concerning the Ring**

Frodo: Bilbo! Where are you?

Gandalf: Looking for someone?

Frodo: Eep!

Gandalf: You are a very lucky hobbit, Mr. Baggins.

Frodo: I am?

Gandalf: Your uncle has left you Bag End along with all his possessions including one rather addictive ring that I must go research.

Frodo: Yes…

Gandalf: Which means I will be unable to deal out your punishment tonight.

Frodo: Hot dog!

Gandalf: But you're not getting off that easy. I've put something in this envelope on the mantle. I need you to keep it secret and safe till I come back… without opening it.

Frodo: What is it?

Gandalf: Look at the time! I've got to be going!

Frodo: Wait! What is it?

Gandalf: Oh, and I'll know if you peek, Mr. Baggins. Farewell.

Frodo: (Twitchy)

**Chapter Five: Concerning Research**

Gandalf: Hmm… ah! Here it is! "Isildur and the Ring of Power"

_Elves: Yaaah!_

_Orcs: Yaaah!_

_Elrond: Yaaah!_

_Elendil: Victory!_

_Sauron: *swat*_

_Isildur: Dad! *slice*_

_Sauron: NOOOOO!_

_Ring: Whoops_

_Isildur: Where'd this come from?_

_Sauron: BOOOOOM_

_Isildur: This ring is so pretty, I think I'll keep it as an heirloom for my family. Aww… the shiny letters are going away. Maybe fire will bring 'em back? Whatever, I love ya anyways ring!_

Gandalf: Oh, bother. Now I've got to go all the way back to the other side of the earth just to toss a ring in the fire. Isn't that just dandy?

**Chapter Six: Concerning Secrets and Back-stories**

Frodo: You really think he's not coming back?

Sam: He would've by now, wouldn't he? I'm sure it wouldn't hurt just to know what you're guarding.

Frodo: Perhaps you're right. Goodnight, Sam.

Sam: G'night, Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: Okay, Mr. Envelope…

Gandalf: Hello.

Frodo: Gwahh! G-G-Gandalf!

Gandalf: Yes. (Snatches envelope and throws it in the fire)

Frodo: (twitch) Why… why…

Gandalf: (takes ring out of fire)

Frodo: Ooohhh… pretty.

Gandalf: Does it say anything?

Frodo: Wha? Okay. First off, you barge into my home without even so much as a "hello", and then you proceed to toss my belongings in the fire for no apparent reason. Now you expect this ring to start speaking to me?

Gandalf: No.

Frodo:… To which?

Gandalf: No. The ring will not speak. It will-

Ring: (sparklyletters)

Gandalf: -do that… swell.

Frodo: Wow! Fancy. Where'd Bilbo get this thing anyways?

Gandalf: We're going to have to start before that.

Frodo: I'm ready.

Gandalf: Sauron made a bunch of rings, the nine men he gave some to were corrupted, he made the one ring in the fires of Mount Doom then Isildur cut off his fingers took the ring and was killed by orcs.

Frodo: Does this have anything to do with me or Bilbo?

Gandalf: I'm getting to that part. Ahem, Smeagol found the ring, took it to the Misty Mountains, was corrupted by it for several hundred years till it left him and your uncle found it.

Frodo: Wait… it left him?

Gandalf: Yes.

Frodo: Never mind.

Gandalf: Now, Bilbo's left it to you and it can't stay in the Shire.

Frodo: Why not, we've done fine thus far.

Gandalf: Because Gollum got caught by the bad guys and spilled the beans that's why.

Frodo: That rotten little stinker!

Gandalf: Oh, and Sauron's sent out his Ringwraiths to kill whoever carries the ring.

Bushes: Eep!

(Gandalf drags Sam through window)

Gandalf: Confound it all, Samwise Gamgee! Have you been eavesdropping?

Sam: I ain't been dropping no eaves, sir, honest! I just wanted to know what was in that envelope you gave Mr. Frodo!

Gandalf: What have you heard?

Sam: Nothing! Just something about killing and evil and the general destruction of all we hold dear but please don't hurt me!

Frodo: When was that? I don't remember any destruction.

Gandalf: If the bad guys get the ring the world'll pretty much end.

Frodo: You left that out the first time.

Gandalf: Did I? Huh. Well, off you go to Bree. I'll meet you there after talking to my good buddy Sarumon.

Frodo: YOU TRAITOR!

Gandalf: What? NO! SaRUman not Sauron! Now get going before any more of your weird little friends hear about it and try to follow you.

Frodo: Oh, fine then.


	4. Shortcuts

**A Shortcut to Trouble**

Gandalf: So, I gave the ring to the little feller and sent him on his way. I'll meet up with him at Bree.

Saruman: Uh huh… so the ring of power is real?

Gandalf: Seems so.

Saruman: And it is now being taken on a cross country journey by the teeniest of beings in Middle Earth?

Gandalf: Well… not the teeniest.

Saruman: Huh… and I thought getting on Sauron's good side would be hard.

Gandalf: What was that?

Saruman: Nothing! Hey! Come see my new magic thingy!

Gandalf: Okay!

(Go into Tower)

Saruman: Isn't it lovely?

Gandalf: It's a glowing marble with an eyeball in it.

Saruman: Yeah… so?

Gandalf: I don't think we should use that.

Saruman: Oh, and I guess you're going to pull the noble "good wizard" thing now and tell me that we can actually beat Sauron?

Gandalf: Um…

Saruman: Well he's already sent out his Nazgul so I'd say your chances are about as good as a drowning ant's.

Gandalf: Nazgul? I'd better catch up with Frodo.

Saruman: Sorry, no one leaves till they've been properly won over or totally trounced.

Gandalf: Does this mean I'm not getting any help from you?

Saruman: 'fraid not.

Gandalf: Swell…

(Smacky wizard fight ending with Gandalf on the top of the tower and Saruman bruised but smug)

**Chapter Seven: A Shortcut to Mushrooms**

Sam: Look, Mr. Frodo! The titles have changed!

Frodo: Seems Bilbo finally gave them up. I wonder who's-

Merry: RUN!

Pippin: Here Sam!

(Shoves veggies at Sam)

Sam: What?

Pip: Come on, Frodo!

Frodo: Whoa!

FarmerMaggot: GET 'EM BOYS!

Dogs: (horrible howling and barking)

Sam: (flees)

Merry: What's his problem anyway?

Pip: Well we did take his finest carrots… and apples… and those three bags of mushrooms we lifted last week! And the fine china the week before!

Merry: I know! My point is, he's clearly overreacting!

(Pip comes to a cliff and barely stops in time)

Pip: Eep!

Frodo: Gnyaa!

Merry: Whoa!

(Sam bumps into them)

All: AHHHHH!

_THUMP_

Pip: Well- cough- that's one way to avoid the dogs.

Merry: Not the best in my opinion.

Frodo: (stumbles up, dazed) Gandalf warned me about this but did I listen? Nooo. Get out quick he says, head for Bree he says. Then it was just a little breakfast, one more check of the house, stop at the market for second breakfasts….

Merry: Is he okay?

Sam: I dunno. I wouldn't blame 'im though, landin' on his head like that.

Pip: MUSHROOMS!

Merry: He's not the only one it seems.

Pip: No, look!

(Sam Merry and Pip all scramble for the mushrooms while Frodo wander/stumbles onto the path)

Frodo: Uh… guys?

Pip: That's mine!

Merry: Hey! You can't eat it out of the ground like that!

Pip: Why not?

Frodo: Guys?

Sam: They have to be cooked properly, that's why. At the very least you should wash it! Just think of how many worms've been through here!

Pip: Patooie

Frodo: GUYS!

All: What?

Frodo: Get off the road!

Merry: (pauses) We _are_ off the road.

Pip: Should we take him home? He seems a little off.

Sam: No. We've come this far, lets just humor him.

Frodo: (twitchy) Come on!

(All rush to handy dandy root overhang)

Pip: So, what are we hiding from?

(Evil/ugly Nazgul horse snorts)

Pip: Oh…

Nazgul: Okay… the teeny insignificant one said keep going straight till you hit the river (shudders) Ugh… water. Then follow the left path- oh fer… left?

Frodo: That guy's creepy isn't he ringy, darling?

Sam: (slowly turns to look at him… smacks Frodo)

Nazgul: Whazzat? Aw ferget it… back to the crossroads to find the Baggins…

(Nazgul leaves and the hobbits scramble away)

**A Shortcut to Ferries**

Merry: Frodo, what was that thing?

Frodo: Um… nothing? Anyone know the fastest way to Bree?

Merry: Ah… the Buckleberry Ferry… why?

Sam: We gotta go. See you guys later!

Pippin: Hey! You're not leaving with our mushrooms!

Merry: Pip… I think that's the least of our worries right now.

Frodo: Sam… how do we get to the ferry?

Sam: Um… Merry?

Merry: (sigh) Follow me, come on Pip.

_THUNK_

Pippin: What was that?

Frodo: Nightfall I think.

Sam: I don't remember that ever happening before.

Merry: I blame it on the creepy rider guy, now are we going or not?

Frodo: Lead on.

(Big black horse comes out of nowhere and rears up)

Nazgul: Whoa! Lil' guys!

Hobbits: AHHHH!

Nazgul: Wait a minute! I need directions to the Shire!

Hobbits: (flee)

Nazgul: Aw fer… come back here!

(Hobbits scurry onto the ferry)

Merry: Get the rope, Sam!

(Frodo jumps on)

Frodo: GO!

Nazgul: Hey! Do any of you know a Baggins?

Frodo: How far to the nearest crossing?

Merry: Brandywine Bridge, twenty miles.

Nazgul: Never mind! I'll catch up with you!

Nazgul2: Hey, who are they?

Nazgul1: I think they know Baggins. Come on, guys.

(Nazgul ride by spooking hobbits)


	5. Strider

**A Shortcut to Strider**

(Tis raining and four little hobbits approach the gate to Bree)

Pippin: Who's Strider?

Merry: I don't care, as long as he's got a warm dry place to sleep.

(Frodo knocks)

Gatekeeper: Who's there?

Frodo: Down here.

Gatekeeper: Hobbits? What're you doing out here?

Sam: Who cares! Let us in!

Gatekeeper: Fine, fine! No need to be rude!

(Opens gate and hobbits scurry through)

Sam: So where's this Prancing Pony we're supposed to meet Gandalf at?

Frodo: I don't really know. To be honest, I didn't expect us to get this far.

Merry: Look!

Sign: The Prancing Pony Inn

Pip: That's very nice, Merry. But we're looking for- oh….

(Hobbits enter)

Innkeeper: Well hullo there, little 'uns. If you're looking for a place to stay, we've got some nice hobbit sized rooms available mister…?

Frodo: Uh… Underhill! Yeah, that's right, Underhill. (Innocent grin)

Innkeeper: Right…

Frodo: Can you tell Gandalf we've arrived? We're friends of his.

Sam: Some of us anyway…

Merry: Hey!

Innkeeper: Gandalf? What's a Gandalf?

Pippin: That's not good.

Innkeeper: OH! Gandalf! Tall fellow, long beard, pointy hat?

Frodo: That's the one!

Innkeeper: Never seen 'im.

Frodo: …

Sam: What now?

Merry: Should we go home?

Pippin: After coming this far?

Frodo: Calm down, guys. I've got a plan.

(Moments later)

Frodo: *gulpgulpgulp*

Sam: This is your plan? We eat?

Merry: And drink!

Pippin: What's that?

Merry: This, my friend is a pint!

Pippin: I'm getting one.

Sam: Way to be a good example, Merry.

Frodo: Come on, Sam. We could all use a little drink after that rider experience. (Shudders) My nerves are still in a bundle.

Sam: And on top of all this, that fellow over there's done nothing but stare at you since we've arrived.

Frodo: … thank you, Sam. I needed that. I feel worlds better _now_.

Pippin: Baggins? Sure I know a Baggins!

Frodo: *gulp- choke*

Sam: Mr. Frodo?

Nazgul: (wearing fake beard and old cloak) Where would this Baggins be, young fellow?

Pippin: He's right over there, Frodo Baggins!

Frodo: Hack HAAAACK

Sam: Mr. Frodo!

Merry: Is he okay?

Sam: _What does it look like!_

Merry: Sorry! Yeesh.

Frodo: *gaspwheeze* Pippin… no!

(Frodo stumbles towards Pippin but is stopped when Sam turns around and finds him missing. Sam grabs the back of Frodo's cloak)

Frodo: Hurk!

(Frodo falls over)

Frodo: Ringy!

_Bink_

Extras: Gasp!

Sam: Uh oh…

Merry: You've done it now…

Sam: Oh, shut it!

**Strider**

Frodo: Whoa… weird.

Eye: Wha? What's that?

Frodo: AHHH!

Eye: Hey! You've got my ring!

Frodo: AHHH!

(Tugs ring off)

Frodo: Whew… whoa!

(Is dragged up by Strider)

Strider: You shouldn't draw so much attention to yourself, Mister Underhill.

(Shoves Frodo up the stairs)

Frodo: Hey! What do you want?

Strider: For you to be a little more careful with that thing and maybe keep your cousins out of the apple cider.

Frodo: What?

Strider: Just watch what you do with the ring okay?

_BANG_

(Door opens and Sam stands in front, fists up. Merry next to him with a candelabra and Pippin in the back with a stool)

Sam: Let 'im go or I'll have your tough hide fer breakfast, Longshanks!

Strider: Well… that was rude.

Merry: What do you want with him anyway?

Strider: Oh, boy… okay, look. Gandalf sent me to keep you guys safe.

Sam: Suuuure.

Pippin: Oh, alright then.

Merry: Pippin!

Pippin: What?

Frodo: Guys, calm down. I think he's okay.

Strider: Thank you. Now, we've got to see about getting you guys a room. Preferably one without these cute little hobbit sized beds.

Sam: Why?

Strider: Stay up tonight and you'll see. Come on.

(Hobbits follow)


	6. An Intermission and A Knife in the Dark

**Nazgul Intermission**

Nazgul1: Whoa! Guys did you feel that?

Nazgul2: Of course we did! It's back that way!

Nazgul3: Let's go!

(Several Nazgul ride up to the gate)

_KnockKnock_

Gatekeeper: Who's there?

Nazgul3: Uh… travelers here to stay at the inn?

Gatekeeper: Oh, come on in then.

Nazgul2: Thank you.

Nazgul4: Can you smell it?

Nazgul3: Yup, this way. It was in here!

Nazgul5: Stop you fool! You can't just go walking in there! We've got to be intimidating remember?

Nazgul3: Sorry…

(Nazgul woosh in all spooky like)

Nazgul1: Here's a little room! And it's got little beds! And the little beds are occupied!

Nazgul5: Stop that! We're not playing Goldiwraith and the three Hobbits! Now focus!

Nazgul1: Sorry…

Nazgul5: Okay, swords out.

(Shink)

Nazgul4: Ready? GO!

(Stabstabstab)

Nazgul2: AHHH! Feathers! *cough haaack*

Nazgul4: They're not here!

(Nazgul flee feather infested room)

**Back to Strider**

Sam: Mr. Frodo, I think the titles are getting less creative.

Frodo: Odd…

(Angry Nazgul sounds)

Merry: What was that?

Strider: They. You mean they.

Pippin: What was… they?

Strider: Never mind… they were once men.

Frodo: Ouch… that's got to be embarrassing for your race.

Strider: Yes- I mean no! They were great kings of men, then Sauron the Deceiver gave to them nine rings of power. Blinded by their greed, they took them without question.

Merry: Isn't Sauron the bad guy?

Pippin: Why would they take anything he offered them?

Sam: Because they were fat greedy pigs, that's why. Now let the man finish his story.

Strider: Fat, greedy pigs? Now wait just a minute!

Frodo: Mr. Strider?

Strider: What?

Frodo: The story?

Strider: Oh, fine… They took the rings and one by one fell into darkness. Now they are slaves to his will. They are the Nazgul, Ringwraiths, neither living nor dead.

Pippin: Zombies?

Strider: *sigh*… At all times they feel the presence of the ring. They will never stop hunting you.

Merry: That wasn't a very nice bedtime story.

Strider: Bedtime- why you- oh fer!

(Strider grumbles to himself as the hobbits tell each other bedtime stories and go to sleep)

**The Spoiling of Isengard**

Saruman: So, I tossed him up to the top of my tower. Now what?

Sauron: Good work! Now make me an army.

Saruman: What?

Sauron: Make me an army worthy of Mordor.

Saruman: … How on earth… Hey, you! The orc with the thing on his head!

Orc: Yes, sir?

Saruman: I need you to get your little orc buddies and get to work. We've got an army to build.

Orc: Yes, sir.

Orcs: Chopchop

Trees: Burn

Saruman: Okay… things are going pretty well I'd say. How are we coming on weapons?

Orc: We need more fuel for the fires, sir!

Saruman: Well go get some! We live right on the edge of a forest for cryin' out loud! Orcs…

Orc: Sir, the first of the Uruk-hai is ready.

Saruman: Oh goody! Open him up!

(Orc scrapes Uruk out and is promptly dispatched)

Saruman: I like him already.

Gandalf: Brrrr…

Moth: Flutter

Gandalf: Huh? What's that?

Moth: Flutterflutter

Gandalf: Awesome! Tell him to come as soon as he can!

**A Knife in the Dark**

Pippin: That's not a very nice title.

Merry: Well, we're not being led by a very nice man, now are we, Pip?

Strider: How did I get stuck with this job? Just two hobbits the wizard says. Well here I am with four hungry, insulting, smart-mouthed…

Frodo: So where are we going anyway?

Strider: To Rivendell, Master Baggins, if I can keep from bumping a few of you off before then.

Sam: Did you hear that, Mr. Frodo? We're going to see the elves!

Frodo: Sam…

Sam: What?

Frodo: Never mind…

Strider: Hey! Whaddya know? Weathertop! We'll stop here tonight.

Pippin: That looks like a cozy place to sleep.

Merry: It's better than sleeping in the marshes.

(A little while later)

Strider: Okay, here are some swords for you guys. I'm going to take a look around.

Sam: Swords?  
Merry: Will we need them?

Frodo: How do you use it?

Pippin: Mine won't come out!

Strider: *sigh* (tugs Pip's sword out for him) Now get some sleep.

(Time passes)

Frodo: Wha?

Merry: I'll have some of that, Sam.

Frodo: What are you doing?

(All pause and look down at their full plates)

All: Eating.

Pippin: We saved you some.

Frodo: Put it out, you fools! Put it out!

(Stomps on fire)

Merry: Sam! He's lost it!

Nazgul: Screeech!

(Hobbits run to edge and look down at approaching Nazgul)

Frodo: GO!

(All climb stairs to top)

Sam: Where's that ranger when you need 'im?

Nazgul1: Found 'em!

Hobbits: Gasp!

Sam: Form ranks!

Merry: What?

Sam: Get in front of Frodo!

Nazgul2: Uh… we just want the ring so if you hand it over, we can all leave in one piece.

(Hobbits turn to Frodo)

Frodo: No! Come _on_, guys!

Nazgul3: Okay… you asked for it. Move in men!

(Nazgul advance)

Sam: Back you devils!

Nazgul: Smack

Sam: AHHH! Oof.

Merry/Pippin: AHHH! Oof.

Frodo: Eep! (Drops sword and scrambles backwards)

Nazgul4: Now hand it over.

Frodo: NO!

_Bink_

Frodo: Oops…

Nazgul5: Hey! The little guy's a whole lot easier to see now.

Nazgul1: Gimme that ring.

Frodo: No!

Nazgul1: Okay then! (Poke)

Frodo: AHHHH!

Strider: YAAAAH!

Nazgul2: FIRE!

(Nazgul scatter)

Strider: I leave for three minutes and you get yourselves five Nazgul!

Frodo: Oog…

Strider: Oh… swell… that's all we need.


	7. Flight to Rivendell

**Flight to the Ford**

Strider: Okay… we'll stop here under these huge troll statues. Why someone would put a bunch of troll statues in the middle of the woods is beyond me though….

Sam: Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: Blegh…

Pippin: Is he going to die- ow! Merry!

Strider: No, he's just going to become a wraith like-

Nazgul: Screeeech

Strider: Like them. Sam, do you know the Athelas plant?

Sam: Nope.

Strider: King's Foil?

Sam: King's Foil! Aye, it's a weed!

Strider: A weed? No! Just find some will you!

Sam: Right!

Strider: You two just… stay here okay?

Merry: Where are you going?

(Strider runs off)

Pippin: Eew! Frodo! Stop drooling like that!

Frodo: Bleeeagh…

Strider: Athelas… athelas where's that darn plant when you need it- ah! Yike!

Arwen: What's this? A ranger caught off his guard?

Frodo: P-pretty… elf…

Merry: He's looking at you, Pip.

Pippin: What?

Strider: Scuse me. (shoves Pip out of the way) Has Sam come back yet?

Merry: No.

Sam: I can't find any!

Merry: I mean yes.

Arwen: Goodness, he's a mess! What did you do to him?

Strider: Nothing!

Pippin: Can you help him?

Strider: Nomnom Patooie.

Sam: (stares) If I'd known that's what the weed was for, I'd've burnt every one I could find.

Merry: I would've joined you.

Arwen: That's not going to help much, sweetie. We should take him to my father.

Strider: Fine then, but I'm riding. You bring the hobbits. I'll send some horses for you.

Arwen: Honey… you know full well I ride faster; I have special magical elven abilities-

Strider: But-

Arwen: AND, I know the way.

Strider: I do too… (Sulks)

Arwen: Noro'lim, Asfaloth! Noro'lim!

Sam: What are you doing! You're just going to stand there and let her kidnap him like that?

Strider: Oh… this is going to be a fun trip….

Frodo: Oog…

Nazgul1: Hey look! An elf!

Nazgul2: We're not looking for an elf you-

Nazgul3: Isn't that our little wraith buddy she's got?

Nazgul1: Yeah! Hey! Bring back our buddy!

_SplashSplash_

Nazgul1: Ngyaa! Hey! Elf lady! Hand over the Halfling!

Arwen: If you want him, come and claim him!

Nazgul5: Fine then! Come on guys!

(Nazgul start to cross)

Frodo: Blegh…

Arwen: (Fancy elven words)

Nazgul (plural): Uh oh…

River: WOOOSH

Frodo: (passes out)

Arwen: NOOO! Wake up, Frodo! If you die, my boyfriend'll never forgive me! Wake up! WAKE UP!

**Rivendell**

Frodo: Oog… where am I?

Gandalf: In Rivendell Master Baggins, in the house of Lord Elrond.

Frodo: Gandalf?

Gandalf: Yup.

Frodo: Where were you, huh? We get to Bree, we go to the inn and all we find are Nazgul and some creepy ranger guy!

Gandalf: I was… delayed. It seems Saruman wasn't the best guy to ask for help….

**Flashback**

Saruman: So, have you decided to join me yet?

Gandalf: Uh… no?

Saruman: Fine then.

(Smackie)

Moth: Flutterflutter

Saruman: If you won't join me then I can at least make sure you can't help that little hobbit guy.

Gandalf: (jumps off tower)

Saruman: … or you could take care of that yourself?

Eagle: Man, how many times have I saved your hide now?

Gandalf: I don't want to talk about it. Just take me to Rivendell.

Eagle: Yeah, sure… but this is the last time I come to your rescue. I've got a wife and two chicks at home. I can't be flyin' off to save you every Wednesday night.

**End Flashback**

Frodo: Gandalf? Gaaaandalf? Oh, great. He's catatonic.

Sam: Mr. Frodo! Bless, you! You're awake!

Frodo: Sam! I think Gandalf's stuck again.

Sam: Oh, don't mind him. We were worried about you, Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: Nice to know I'm still loved… if a bit ignored. (Gestures at Gandalf)

Gandalf: By the skills of Lord Elrond, you are beginning to mend.

Elrond: Welcome to Rivendell, Frodo Baggins.

Frodo: AHH! Where'd he come from? Has he been here the whole time?

Sam: He's an elf, Mr. Frodo. They do that sometimes.

Frodo: (shudders)

Sam: Come on, Mr. Frodo! There's someone who'd like to meet you.

Frodo: Just as long as it's not an elf.

Bilbo: Not quite.

Frodo: Uncle! (huggie)

(Later in Bilbo's room)

Frodo: There and Back Again: A Hobbit's Tale by Bilbo Baggins!

Bilbo: Yup. All finished and ready for a sequel.

Frodo: Sequel? Are you going on another adventure, Bilbo? You seem a bit old for that sort of thing.

Bilbo: No. You are.

Frodo: Uncle… I've been dragged across the Shire, through Bree, through the marshes and stabbed by a Ringwraith. I'd say my adventure's off to a pretty poor start.

Bilbo: I know! That's what makes the sequel all the more exciting!

Frodo: … thank you, Uncle… I'm flattered that my misery will excite your readers.

Bilbo: Just make sure you tell me everything when you get back!

Frodo: Right…


	8. The Council of Elrond

**Still Rivendell**

Gandalf: So, we can't leave the ring here, we can't give it to the dwarves, we can't give it to the elves, and we can't give it to the hobbits… what exactly do you expect us to do with it? Give it to the men?

Elrond: No. Men are weak.

Gandalf: How about Aragorn?

Elrond: Oh, please! He couldn't keep four hobbits alive. What makes you think he could rule Gondor?

Gandalf: He's the heir.

Elrond: Yeah… so?

Gandalf: Never mind… just send out the council invitations.

Boromir: Man this place is spooky at night.

(Wanders into hall with shards of Narsil)

Boromir: Whoa! How cool is that? The blade that cut the ring from Sauron's hand!

(Pauses and turns to his right where Aragorn is staring at him, a book in his hands)

Boromir: Can I help you?

Aragorn: (stare)

Boromir: Who are you?

Aragorn: Friend of Gandalf's. (stare)

Boromir: Right… (picks up sword handle and examines blade). Ow! It's still sharp! (Senses he's still being watched and (knowing what he's going to see) he turns to Aragorn again)

Aragorn: (stare)

Boromir: Gnyaa! (drops sword) Stop that! Just read your book or something!

Aragorn: (stare)

Boromir: Fine! I was leaving anyway! (Leaves hurriedly)

(Aragorn snickers and gets up to put away the sword)

Arwen: That wasn't very nice you know.

Aragorn: Aw, come on! He's just wound up too tight. Anyways, I need something to calm my nerves…

Arwen: Anxiety about your future again?

Aragorn: My ancestor could've destroyed the ring but he didn't, he gave in to it. I don't want to wind up being a loser like him.

Arwen: You're not a loser, sweetie.

Aragorn: I might be! I've got loser in my blood!

Arwen: Come on, honey. Let's go have a therapy session in the garden.

Aragorn: Oh fine then…

(Later, in the garden)

Arwen: Do you remember when we first met?

Aragorn: (dreamy voice) Yeah…

Arwen: And do you remember what I told you?

Aragorn: Uh… "Stop staring at me like that"?

Arwen: After that.

Aragorn: "Who are you anyway?"

Arwen: Sigh… no. I said I'd give up my immortality to live with you.

Aragorn: Oh, yeah, that part. I like that part.

Arwen: Oh boy… here, take my sparkly necklace so you don't forget again.

Aragorn: What? How'd you- wasn't that attached a moment ago?

Arwen: It's an elf thing.

Aragorn: If you say so.

Arwen: Now go get some sleep before the council tomorrow and no more of this loser stuff. Got it?

Aragorn: Okay…

**The Council of Elrond**

Elrond: Okay, guys. We need to get rid of this ring and because the whole world is pretty much doomed if we fail, I've asked groups from each race to meet us here. So, any ideas?

Man: Wait… which ring is this?

Elf: The _one_ ring you dolt!

Man: Well there's no need to be rude!

Dwarf: Elves are always rude.

Elrond: Enough! Constructive ideas, people! Come on!

Man: Okay… so… which ri-

Elrond: Frodo, would you put the thing out where we can all see it?

(Frodo puts ring on pedestal)

Men: Ooooh…

Boromir: Hey! That was in my dream!

Aragorn: Uh… we really don't need to hear about your dreams.

Boromir: No, really! In my dream it was all dark and someone said that Isildur's bane had been found!

Elrond: Your point?

Boromir: (staring at ring) Isildur's bane… (walks towards it)

Man: Uh… my lord?

Boromir: Isildur's bane…

Gandalf: (Ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatuluk)

(All pause and look duly freaked out)

Elrond: You know, there's a reason why that language isn't used here.

Gandalf: Sorry, but if we don't get a move on, Sauron could be here saying it himself before we've even finished luncheon. And as for you, (glares at Boromir) the ring is pure evil. So no more wide eyed, longing stares, got it?

(Gandalf turns to sit back down)

Boromir: (shakes his head) I say it's a gift.

Legolas: Someone wasn't listening.

Boromir: Why don't we use it against him?

Aragorn: Because we'd all die. We can't use it. Only Sauron can.

Boromir: Gondor's been on the front line since this war began! We could use some new weaponry!

Aragorn: What part of "all die" and "can't use it" aren't you getting?

Boromir: Aw, what do you know "friend of Gandalf's"?

Legolas: Um… he's Aragorn son of Arathorn… you kinda owe him your allegiance.

Boromir: What? Aragorn?

Legolas: You know… Isildur's heir? Future king of Gondor?

Aragorn: Thanks Legolas… that's enough for now.

Boromir: Gondor doesn't have a king and we're doing just fine without one, so there.

(Boromir sits down looking sulky)

Elrond: I thought I made it clear that we have to destroy the ring not use it.

Gimli: So why are we all sitting around?

(Hits ring with axe, handle bounces back and hits him in the face knocking him out cold. The axe shatters)

Elrond: …because it can only be destroyed by the fires of Mount Doom.

(Other elves snicker as Gimli is dragged back to his seat. He wakes up soon after, looking a bit dazed)

Elrond: So, someone here is going to have to carry it all the way to Mordor, right past Sauron's tower, up the mountain and toss it in without dying or losing it along the way. Any volunteers?

(cheepcheep)

Boromir: So…you want us to just waltz past Sauron, the _enormous eye_, without being seen?

Elrond: Um… you _can_ walk.

Boromir: No… we _can_ die. I notice _you're_ not volunteering.

Legolas: We have to try!

Gimli: Then you go, pretty boy!

Boromir: Then he can die and we all lose!

Gimli: I'm not gonna put my life in the hands of some prancing elvish princeling!

(Elves join argument with dwarves followed quickly by the men)

Frodo: Hey!

Gandalf: And as for you, Boromir!

Frodo: Hellooo?

Gandalf: I will personally make sure your father hears about this, young man!

Frodo: HEY!

(All freeze and look at him)

Frodo: If none of you are mature enough to discuss this like adults then none of you are going to be allowed to carry Ringy. I will. (pauses) But… I can't use a sword and I have no clue which way Mordor is so….

Gandalf: I know the way. (Walks over to stand by Frodo) I'll go with you.

Aragorn: If by my life or death I can protect you, I shall.

Frodo: Thanks but I'd really rather you come alive. I don't think you'd be much help dead.

Aragorn: (sigh) You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

(Elves snicker)

Gimli: My _other_ axe you long haired-

Gandalf: Gimli…

Gimli: (grumblegrump)

Boromir: You carry the fates of us all, little one. If this is honestly the plan, then Gondor will see it done. (Aside to Frodo) And if you ever need help carrying the thing just ask!

Sam: HEY! (pops out from behind an elf's chair)

Elf: (high-pitched scream, passes out)

Sam: Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me!

Elrond: It would seem not… even when he ties you up and locks you in your quarters you still manage to attend a top secret meeting to which he was invited and you were not.

Sam: (abashed face)

Frodo: How did you get out anyway?

Sam: Umm….

Merry: Hey! We're coming too!

Pippin: And you'll have to do more than tie us up if you expect us to stay!

Elrond: If there are more of you, so help me, I'll-

Frodo: No. That's all of us.

Elrond: Oh… well then. Nine companions it is. You can each take out one Nazgul! Okay, you are officially the Fellowship of the Ring!

Frodo: Whoa! Wait a minute! Nazgul? No one said anything about killing Nazgul.

Pippin: Don't worry. I'm sure they're not that hard to beat!


	9. Departure and Bad Choices

**The Departure of the Fellowship**

Bilbo: So, I want you to have some of my old things.

Frodo: Not your sword, Uncle!

Bilbo: Yes, my sword, Sting.

Frodo: Thank you!

Bilbo: Oh, don't thank me! The readers love it when old things return in the sequel!

Frodo: Oh… okay…

Bilbo: And this! Mithril! Light as a feather and harder than dragon scales!

Frodo: Awesome!

Bilbo: Try it on! If it's too big it won't do you much good… but if it's too small maybe we can give it to one of your cousins! I'm sure the readers'll be just as pleased!

Frodo: Right… (begins to unbutton vest. Ring is exposed)

Bilbo: Is that… my old ring?

Frodo: Yeah. Why?

Bilbo: (wide eyes) Myy… preccioussss….

Frodo: Uh… uncle?

Bilbo: Bleaaagh!

Frodo: AHHHHH! What was that for?

Bilbo: Uh… surprise!

Frodo: Why couldn't you do that on Halloween, huh?

Bilbo: Sorry… just… don't carry that thing too long, okay?

Frodo: But Uncle…

Bilbo: What?

Frodo: (sigh) Okay.

Elrond: Everyone all packed up and ready to go?

Gandalf: Looks like.

Elrond: Okay then, off with you.

Arwen: (sad stare)

Aragorn: (sorry stare)

Boromir: (rolls eyes)

Elrond: And remember, if any of you want to turn tail and run for your sorry lives, you can.

Frodo: What? I thought they swore to protect me!

Elrond: Only as much as they want to.

Frodo: What a rip off.

Gandalf: Come on, Frodo.

(They leave)

**In Which a Bad Choice is Made**

Aragorn: Heads up, we might be in for some trouble.

Gandalf: Now, now, Aragorn. Titles are not always as they seem. We'll stop here for a short rest.

Pippin: (examining sword) So, how do you use this thing anyway?

Merry: No clue. It's sharp. Maybe you do it like this? (lunges forward nearly skewering Boromir's plate of food)

Boromir: Good heavens! What are you trying to do? Kill me?

Merry: Sorry!

Pippin: Hey! You've got one too! Do you know how to use these?

Boromir: You mean Aragorn gave them to you… but never showed you how to use them?

Merry: … yes?

Boromir: (incredulous look at Aragorn) I would be glad to teach you.

Frodo: I'm betting on Merry and Pip.

Sam: I still think Boromir's got 'em beat.

(clangclang)

Gimli: This is taking forever! We should go through Moria.

Gandalf: I'd rather take the long way.

(clangclang. Boromir's sword slips and smacks Pip on the hand)

Pippin: Ow!

Boromir: Sor-

(Before he can finish, Pippin kicks him in the shins seconds before Merry elbows him in the side. Boromir crashes to the ground and is instantly buried under two hobbits)

Merry: Hold his arm!

Pippin: For the Shire!

Aragorn: Okay, that's enou- whoa!

(Aragorn is promptly attacked as well and both hobbits set to tickling their captives)

Legolas: What's that? (points to dark cloud)

(Hysterical laughter and pleas for mercy in the background)

Gimli: A cloud. Why?

Gandalf: A cloud that moves against the wind?

Gimli: … yes?

(The captives are freed at the sound of Gandalf's concerned voice)

Boromir: It's a black cloud in the middle of a sunny day.

Gimli: So?

Legolas: Crebain from Dunland!

Aragorn: HIDE!

(Everyone scrambles for hiding places. Merry and Pippin are crammed in a bush by Boromir, Legolas crams himself into a bush, Aragorn snags Frodo and drags him under a rock (Sam follows) Gandalf blends in and Gimli attempts to cram himself into a rock… knocks his head against it and passes out, rolling under it instead…)

Crows: (whoosh) Caw Caw!

(Crows fly off)

Gandalf: Spies of Saruman! Now we have to take a different path.

Boromir: Why?

Aragorn: Because this one's being watched.

Gimli: (wakes up, drags himself out and gets the gist of the conversation) I still say we should go to Moria. My cousin Balin would give us a feast!

Merry: Moria sounds good.

Gandalf: No! We're going over the mountain.

Aragorn: (aside to Gandalf) Are you sure this isn't the "bad choice" mentioned in the title?

Gandalf: Nonsense. I just avoided it.

Boromir: Good thing I packed my winter cloak…


	10. Caradhras

**The Pass of Caradhras**

Merry: Heads up, Pip!

(Merry throws a snowball at Pippin who ducks leaving Frodo in the ballistic missile's path)

Snowball: (paff)

Frodo: Gwah! (falls over backwards and rolls partway down the path)

Merry: Oops…

Aragorn: Frodo! (catches him) You okay?

Frodo: Yeah, I think so. Wait… Ringy!

Boromir: Got it!

Aragorn: Uh oh… Boromir, give it to Frodo.

Boromir: So… shiny… what?

Aragorn: Give the ring to Frodo.

Boromir: As you wish. I care not.

Aragorn: (glower)

Frodo: (Snatch)

Aragorn: I'll have to have a word with Elrond about his flimsy elven chains.

**Meanwhile At Isengard**

Crows: (woosh) Caw caw!

Saruman: Caradhras you say? That's easily taken care of.

**Higher up on Caradhras**

Aragorn: (with two hobbits clinging to him) How much farther till things warm up?

Gandalf: We're not even at the peak yet, it'll be a while yet.

Boromir: (also with two hobbits) We're all doomed.

Gimli: (burrow) MumblegrumpMoriagrump

Legolas: (walks by calmly on top of the snow)

Aragorn: You know, Legolas, you could at least help carry something!

Boromir: Or someone! Gimli! Watch where you're walking! I nearly tripped over you!

Gimli: Growl… (speeds up)

Saruman: (spooky magic words)

Legolas: There's a foul voice on the wind!

Boromir: Hey! Who are you calling foul!

Gandalf: It's Saruman!

Mountain: Crack! (snow/rocks/large chunks of snow fall)

Aragorn: He's trying to bring down the mountain! We must turn back!

Gandalf: No!

Saruman: (more magic words)

Gandalf: (other magic words)

Saruman: Mehehe…

Mountain: LouderCrack!

Boromir: AVALANCHE!

(Snow falls and Fellowship is buried)

(Pause)

Legolas: (surfaces) Gasp!

(Legolas drags Gimli up while the others burst out on their own)

Boromir: We have got to get out of here! Let's go to Gondor!

Merry: Is it w-warm there?

Gimli: Not as warm as Moria.

Pippin: I v-vote for M-Moria.

Saruman: Gandalf's afraid to go to Moria… something about fire and shadow.

Aragorn: What was that?

Gandalf: Nothing! Frodo, which way should we go?

Sam: Towards the f-fire and s-shadow?

Frodo: Uh…

Hobbits: Shiver

Boromir: Well we can't stay here much longer! I doubt hobbits thaw easily.

Frodo: Eep! Moria! Let's go to Moria!

Gimli: All right!

Gandalf: Fine then…


	11. Moria

**Moria**

Aragorn: Wow… that's a big wall.

Boromir: A wall lacking somewhat in door.

Legolas: Dwarves often forget the basic necessities.

Gimli: There _is_ a door you knuckleheads! It's right there!

(points at nothing)

Merry: Well… that looks a whole lot more like a wall than a door.

Pippin: Maybe it's magic?

Frodo: Pip, dwarves don't have magic.

Pippin: Oh…

Gimli: Oh, fer….

Gandalf: Okay, first off, the horse has to go. I'm not lugging all those snacks through a cave infested with hungry dwarves.

Gimli: Infested!

Sam: Bye, Bill! Take care of the snacks for us!

(Bill walks off)

Aragorn: He'll be fine, Sam. Goodness knows he won't starve at least.

Merry: So… now what?

Gandalf: Now we use the password. Ahem: Open, Sassafras!

Door: Nuthin

Gandalf: Hmm… Open Airom!

Frodo: What does that mean?

Sam: Nothing special. It sounds like Moria backwards…

Gandalf: It's a very popular password okay! (slumps down on a rock and mutters to self)

Pip: Merry! Catch! (throws rock)

Merry: (dodges, rock sails into water)

Aragorn: Merry! Stop playing around!

Merry: But I-

Aragorn: And don't mess with the water! It's probably diseased.

Pip: (snicker)

Frodo: Um… Gandalf? What does this say?

Gandalf: Hmm? Oh, it says "In case of missing password use backup: Mellon"

Sam: Backup melon?

Boromir: Didn't we just send Bill off with all our backup melons?

Aragorn: Dang! I knew sending the pony away was a bad idea!

Legolas: No you fools! It's "Mellon" as in "friend." Don't any of you speak elven?

(All glance at each other…)

All: No.

Legolas: (sighs, marches up to the door and says in a firm voice) Mellon!

Door: (opens)

Gandalf: (Jumps up) I did it! Onward!

Aragorn: Frodo, quit swimming around and let's go.

Frodo: Kay! (swims towards shore and emerges with a rather large tentacle wrapped around his middle)

Sam: Mr. Frodo… what's that?

Frodo: This? Oh, it's my anchor! Boromir said there was something evil in the water so I tied myself down to avoid being pulled out towards the center.

Gandalf: (from inside cave) Come ON guys! We're burning torchlight here!

Merry/Pip: Coming! (scurry off)

Frodo: Uh, Sam, could you help me get this thing o- GWAH!

(Frodo is jerked off his feet and dragged towards the water)

Sam: Mr. Frodo!

Monster: Nom

Sam: (passes out)

Aragorn: Oh no, you don't! (charges monster)

(A messy tentacle filled battle ensues with Boromir, Legolas and Aragorn all pulling on Frodo's legs attempting to dislodge him from the critter's throat while simultaneously fighting off monster suckers… meanwhile, Gandalf, Gimli, Merry and Pippin are inside the cave completely unaware of the chaos outside)

Frodo: (pop!)

Critter: Kaff (Sting flies out) Bleh… (swims away)

(Aragorn, Boromir, Leggie and Frodo all stand there in shock… Sam's still out cold)

Frodo: Whimper/mutter

Gandalf: Hey! Come on people, that door's not staying open forever!

Aragorn: I'll take the traumatized one… you get the dead one.

Boromir: He's not dead (grabs Sam) and I find it rather unfair that you get the conscious one.

Aragorn: You call THIS conscious? (holds Frodo out at arms length)

Frodo: Shudderwhimper

Boromir: (mutters) More conscious than this one anyway… (drags Sam)

Legolas: Door's closing guys. Let's get a move on.

(Grumbles from others as they barely make it inside before the door disappears… as does all light)

Boromir: Hello?

Gandalf: Hello, took you long enough.

Boromir: Ahh! (dull thud as he drops Sam who wakes up on impact… why I have no clue)

Aragorn: Blech… do dwarves always smell like this?

(Gandalf's staff lights up revealing many MANY dead dwarves/goblins and their various weapons)

Gandalf: Only when they're dead.

Gimli: NOOOOOOO!

Legolas: Aw! Stop it! The smell alone is bad enough without you soaking my shoes with your dwarf tears!

Pippin: Should we go back?

Merry: No door.

Pippin: Doesn't the password work from this side?

Aragorn: (Sets a shuddering Frodo on the ground by Sam who comforts his Master while he walks over to the wall where the door used to be) Melon.

Wall: (silence)

Aragorn: Guess not.

Legolas: (facepalm) Y'know what? I think I'll pretend it won't work from this side just to see what horrible things happen to you people down here.

Gimli: Sob

Gandalf: Get over it, dwarf. We've got a long way to go and we don't need you bawling the whole way. Now… door one, two, or three?

Boromir: You don't know?

Gandalf: Of course I do! Everything just looks different with all the dead bodies lying around. And don't make me mention the lack of scripts again…

Merry/Pippin: (innocent looks)

Sam: Should we vote?

Gandalf: Fine. Who's for door one?

Door One: Stink… waft…

(nothing)

Gandalf: Okay… no one. Who's for door two?

Door Two: Sloping down into deep cavernous darkness

(nothing)

Gandalf: So… we're all for number three then?

Door Three: Sloping upwards to fiery blazing doom

All: Shudder

Aragorn: Can't we just make our own path or something? (glances at Gimli)

Gimli: What? You expect me to go digging through solid rock with an axe!

Legolas: (staring innocently at the ceiling) You could always use your "sharp wit"…

Gimli: You want sharp, sissy boy? I'll show you sharp!

Boromir: Whoa now! We've got enough dead dwarves as it is. How 'bout you two save this for later?

Gimli: Growl…

Gandalf: First path it is then.

Frodo: Huh? No one voted.

Gandalf: I did. Anyways, stink is always better than a blazing inferno or a pitch black void. Off we go!


	12. Balin's Tomb

**Balin's Tomb**

Gimli: WHAT! Balin's WHAT!

Aragorn: Calm down, Gimli! I'm sure it's not actually his tomb! Maybe he's just stuck somewhere.

Boromir: Like in that coffin?

Gimli: (breaks down)

Merry: Hey look! A book!

Gandalf: Gimme. Hmmm… it says: "We're trapped in our leader's tomb because we dug too deep and woke up a monster... All the others are dead. I told them, 'head for the surface!' 'don't go in there you fools' but did they listen? Nooooo. So now we're doomed and it's all their fault. Wait… drums… drums in the deep. We cannot get out… they're comi- aaahhhhrrrg…"

Boromir: Was that an "Oh my gosh there's the monster" sort of arhrg or more of an "Oh my word there's the army of goblins?" sort of an arhg?

Legolas: Seeing as it was a dwarf writing it, it could very well be "attack" spelled wrong.

Gimli: (still bawling)

Pippin: Hey, Merry, come look at this.

Merry: What's up?

Pippin: Wouldn't this well be an awesome hiding place for some of those rockets your brother gave you?

Merry: Yeah! Oh man! If only this was in Hobbiton!

Pippin: And if only we hadn't used up the last of the rockets in the printing room!

(Both laugh, completely missing the fact that Gandalf is now looming behind them)

Gandalf: You did WHAT!

Merry/Pip: AHHH!

Gandalf: Fool of a Took! Blow yourself up next time and rid us of your stupidity!

(The three hunters/Boromir all shuffle about awkwardly, not looking at Gandalf or the hobbits but feeling horribly sorry for Pip)

Pip: (googly eyes) Whimper…

Sam: (scolding voice) Mr. Gandalf! You're being far too harsh on him!

Frodo: (now recovered from his tentacle experience, though not fully dried yet) He's still in his tweens! You can't yell at him like that!

Merry: Come here, Pip. (huggie)

Gandalf: He blew up the scripts!

Sam: You blew up a mountain! Which do you think has made more of an impact?

Gandalf: What!

Frodo: A pile of paper VS half a mountain's worth of eagle's roosts, rabbit dens, and wolf territory. Not to mention the forest you probably flattened with the avalanche.

Gandalf: (stares)

Aragorn: He's right you know.

Gandalf: Alright! Fine! (turns to Pip) I'm sorry.

Pip: So… you're not going to kill me?

Gandalf: What! No!

Pip: Really! (talks excitedly with Merry about the new (lengthened) life ahead of him)

Gimli: (bawls louder)

Legolas: Dwarf! Will you stop that incessant howling before you bring the whole mountain down on us?

(Drums)

Frodo: Is that the mountain?

Sam: Sounds more like drums.

Frodo: Would you say they're "In the deep"?

(Arrow whizzes into room barely missing Boromir's head)

Boromir: Whoa! What was that?

Aragorn: Dunno… Go ask! (shoves Boromir out the door)

(All wait, crowded at the door as Boromir walks out, straightening his shirt and grumbling about how Aragorn mussed it up. A crowd of goblins waits outside, curiously watching the human approaching them)

Boromir: Hi. Just came out to tell you that we mean you no harm. We're just passing through, kay?

Goblins: (discuss)

Boromir: (turns to look back at Fellowship, receiving only shrugs and nods of encouragement)

Goblins: Yeah all'right. But yer gonna hafta give us something.

Boromir: Ookay… what do you want?

Goblins: It ain't what we want… it's what 'e wants. (jabs thumb over shoulder indicating the large cave troll behind them)

Boromir: (nervously) And what does _he_ want?

Goblins: Yer 'eads.

Boromir: Riiight… Um, how 'bout I ask? Okay?

Goblin: Yeah, yeah, just hurry up abou' it.

Boromir: (scurries back)

Aragorn: Well? What did they say?

Boromir: (shocked/traumatized expression) Oh… just that passage through Moria will cost us one head apiece.

Legolas: Can we give them someone else's head? (glancing at Gimli who is now standing on Balin's tomb, axes out, snarling)

Gandalf: No one's giving anyone heads! We're going to have to fight our way out.

(Silence)

Aragorn: Fight?

Gimli: FIGHT!

Sam: Them?

Gimli: FIGHT THEM!

Frodo: All of them?

Gimli: FIGHT ALL OF THEM! (laughs insanely)

Gandalf: Yes. Although Gimli seems more than happy to take your share of goblins. (talking to hobbits)

Merry: (raises hand) What if I have a better plan?

Gandalf: (sighs) What is it?

(Moments later, the fellowship exits the room and walks up to the goblin horde, Merry in front)

Goblin: Foinally! What took yoo so long?

Merry: Well, we ran into a little dilemma. You see, we really don't think our heads will satisfy your friend there.

Goblin: (scans fellowship) Woi not?

Merry: Well, this one's too hairy. (gestures to Gandalf, goblins nod to themselves) These ones are too small. (hobbits and Gimli who's been tied up and gagged so as to avoid any awkward interruptions) And that one tastes like Lembas. (Legolas. Goblins gag)

Goblin: Wha' about them? (points at Boromir and Aragorn)

Merry: Well that one's got enough grease on his hair to start a bonfire (Aragorn) and that one's head is just full of hot air.

Goblins: (consider the problem for a moment then one turns to the cave troll) Wha' d'you think?

CaveTroll: (moan)

Goblins; Oi guess you're roit… but y'hafta give us something!

Merry: No problem. Here ya go, one from each of us. (hands head goblin nine small round objects) All you have to do is throw them on the ground and gold comes out. (grin)

Goblins: Oooee! Jus' loik magic!

(Fellowship scurries off quickly as the goblins fight over then use the objects…)

_BOOOOOOOOOOOM_

(ground shakes)

Pippin: …. What were those, Merry?

Merry: (getting up and dusting himself off) Just a little something my cousin made me. He called them "grenahds", though what that means I have no idea.

Boromir: Well, now that that's taken care of, shall we move on?


	13. The Bridge of KhazaDum

**The Bridge of Khaza-Dum**

(They continue through a huge chamber till they find a long, thin poorly built bridge)

Legolas: Dwarves… they all must've had death wishes.

Gimli: Hey! This is a very sturdy, well built bridge!

Bridge: Crumble… only one inch thick stone left…

Aragorn:… yeah…

Gandalf: Well, let's get a move on, people.

Sam: What's that? (points to the middle of the bridge where a bullfrog is sitting)

Bullfrog: Croak (continues to sit in the middle of the path)

Gandalf: A bullfrog. When the dwarves dug too deep it was said that they released a creature of immeasurable power and cruelty… but the scroll I read called it a Balrog.

Legolas: Snicker

Gimli: Snarl

Merry: Should we wait for him to cross?

Gandalf: Nah, we'll just step over him.

(all start across)

Bullfrog: Croak

(Fellowship is almost to the froggie when suddenly it leaps into the air and lands with a firm sort of pat on Gandalf's face.)

Gandalf: AHHH! GET IT OFF ME! (struggle, stumble)

BANG!

Aragorn: Whoa! Gandalf, watch where you're shooting that magic stuff!

Bridge: I'm HIT! (breaks in middle)

(Gandalf trips but manages to grab the edge before he falls. The frog however… wasn't so lucky)

Aragorn: Gandalf!

Gandalf: Don't worry about me! Fly you fools!

Boromir: Great. First he breaks the bridge then he wants us to _fly_ over…

Aragorn: (pulls Gandalf back up)

Gandalf: NO! You _imbecile_! (facepalm) I'm _supposed_ to fall!

Frodo: What? Why!

Gandalf: So I can defeat the Balrog- or bullfrog or whatever and come back later!

Sam: (peering over edge of bridge) He looks pretty defeated to me…

Gandalf: That's not the _point_! You've ruined _everything_! Now we'll have to-

Boromir: (shove)

Gandalf: AHHHHHH!

Boromir: There. Problem solved.

Aragorn: (stares)

Boromir: What? He _said_ he was supposed to fall!

Legolas: (from other side of gap) Hey, guys are you coming?

Pippin: Whoa! How'd you get way over there?

Legolas: I jumped… it's not that hard.

(Boromir jumps across and catches hobbits as they are launched by Aragorn. Gimli is launched before he can protest and A follows) (A while later, they all stop to rest on rocks outside Moria)

Aragorn: Okay, let's go. Time's a'wastein.

Boromir: *gasp pant* For pity's sake could you at least let us catch our breath!

Legolas: *Ecstatic gasp* OH MY GOSH! It's Lothlorien!

Merry: It's a what now?

Legolas: Lothlorien! My cousin's sister's mother's great aunt's hairdresser lives there! Come on! Let's go!

Aragorn: Can't. Mister Mini-lungs over there's still catching his breath.

Boromir: HEY! You weren't carrying four hobbits AND a pack across that third bridge!

Aragorn: No, but I did have to carry my awesomeness.

Legolas: Not to mention the grease.

Gimli: That's gotta weigh at least ten pounds.

Pippin: Is grease really all that flammable?

Sam: Sure is. Kinda makes me wonder why we always let him carry the torches.

Frodo: Not a very bright idea on our parts.

Aragorn: ANYWAY... why should we go to this Moth place? Apart from the fact that you have… friends there?

Legolas: First off, it's LOTHlorien and secondly because there's a gorgeous elven queen named Galadriel who I'm sure would be thrilled to meet all of you.

Aragorn: Good enough for me! I haven't seen an elven babe in weeks!

Boromir: I'm pretty sure she's married.

Gimli: How do you know, mini-lungs?

Boromir: *glares* Because I caught Leggie-Locks over there cursing some guy named Celeborn and composing love songs to some lady named Galadriel.

Pippin: That and she's Arwen's grandmother.

Merry: How on earth do you know that?

Pippin: (points at Leggie) Love songs.

Frodo: (glowers at both men and elf) You guys are terrible role models.


	14. Lothlorien

**Lothlorien**

(Our group *minus Gandalf* is running across a field towards the forest. Sam is on Strider's back, Frodo with Legolas and Merry and Pip on Boromir, Gimli is nowhere to be seen)

Aragorn: Legolas! I told you a dozen times not to touch that thing!

Legolas: (running easily) It was just a little beehive, sheesh…

Boromir: Hey, the inhabitants of that "little beehive" carried off our dwarf!

Frodo: Faster, Legolas, faster! They're gaining on us!

Boromir: (glances back) Actually I think we're starting to pull ahead.

Aragorn: I don't think he's referring to the bees…

Sam: Come on Mister Strider! Frodo and I have got three of the best apples riding on this!

Merry: (as Boromir catches up) And they're gonna be ours! Right, Pip?

Pippin: Just as soon as we get to those trees!

Legolas: They're racing? On us!

Aragorn: Come on, Legolas. You should be flattered. Maybe they'll give you one of the apples if you're good.

Boromir: (rushes between the two, grinning madly) Not if we get there first!

(A few feet from the forest's edge, something hurtles out of the sky, plowing into Boromir and sending all three of the "racers" tumbling onto the grass. Aragorn and Legolas stroll past the carnage and set Frodo and Sam down beside the trees)

Frodo: Yeah! Whoooo! We rock!

Sam: We're having apples tonight!

Aragorn: Boromir, stop playing around! We've got a mission to accomplish here!

Boromir: (flat on his back) That's okay… *cough*… I'll catch up just as soon as I find my brain…

Merry: (currently located under Pippin) What… happened?

Pippin: Did we have a blowout? (lifts head dizzily and looks around)

Legolas: (marches over to the group, picking his way carefully between the bodies till he reaches the "missile") Well… the bees returned him in one piece.

Aragorn: Gimli? (rushes over, leaving Frodo and Sam to their victory dance)

Legolas: He seems fine. (nudges him with a boot) If a little unconscious.

Boromir: Yeah, well he can stay that way… (getting up and spitting out weeds and dirt)

Pippin: Um… Strider?

Aragorn: _You_ wanna carry him? (gesturing at pile of armored dwarf)

Frodo: Hey, Aragorn!

Boromir: No! I just want him to pay for plowing my face into the ground!

Sam: Mr. Strider!

Legolas: Technically, the bees are the ones responsible for-

Boromir: _I don't care!_

Merry: HEY! STRIDER!

Aragorn: WHAT?

(The hobbits are surrounded by several elves, all with their bows pointed at the little guys. Frodo points up at one of them)

Frodo: We found elves.

Aragorn: (stares)

Pippin: Well… they found us, really.

(The elves are wearing shimmering grayish cloaks. One elf steps out of the group and addresses Legolas)

Haldir: What on earth are you doing out here?

Legolas: (glances at group) Travelling?

Haldir: What's with all the screaming then! Have you been walking on porcupines the whole way here? Because if not I can see no reason for such a ruckus!

(At that moment, Gimli sits bolt upright causing Strider, Boromir and Leggy to jump)

Gimli: BEEEEES! I'LL KILL 'EM ALL! (Waves axe around as others back away to a safe distance)

Haldir: (facepalm) Okay… let's start at the beginning shall we?

(The elves gather up the odd group and surround them as Haldir speaks to Legolas)

Haldir: Who are you?

Legolas: Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood. These are Boromir of Gondor, Aragorn son of Arathorn, Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin the hobbits… and you've already met Gimli…

Gimli: DIE FOUL WINGED BEASTS!

Haldir: ….right… And what are you doing at the border of the Golden Wood?

Aragorn: Our wizard said we should head this way.

Haldir: (scans group) Well where'd _he_ go?

Boromir: (sulkily) Spelunking.

Haldir: Spelunking…?

Frodo: (descending whistle accompanied by twirl of finger and ending with a final sort of pat on his palm) Spe-lunk.

Haldir: …

Sam: Can we go in now? We're kinda hungry.

Pippin: Starved!

Merry: We've only had four full meals today!

Frodo: And the last one was a whole HOUR ago!

(Hobbit puppy eyes)

Haldir: …you'd better talk to Galadriel I think…

Legolas: (dreamy look) Okay…

Haldir: Hey. (smacks Leggy in the face) None of that.

(They all head into the forest following Haldir and his group of elves. Soon they come to an elven city all purdy and lit up with fancy spiral staircases leading up into the trees. They climb one and come to Galadriel's "throne room" sort of place. There are lights everywhere casting soft elven glow on the trees… surrounding said lights are innumerable moths in various stages of frying. A few elves are wandering about gathering up the little critters)

Pippin: What are they doing? (points to gathering elves)

Merry: Hopefully not making dinner…

Galadriel: (walks down steps all graceful like, arm in arm with Celeborn) Greetings, you come at a dark time I fear.

Aragorn: Yeah… that's because your posse here got lost on the way. We would've made it by lunch time if they'd listened to these guys. (gestures at hobbits)

Celeborn: Them?

Sam: We can smell a muffin from up to five miles away.

Frodo: Especially blueberry, mmmmm! (licks lips)

Galadriel: Okay, well here you are! (pulls out tray of muffins and the hobbits instantly dig in) Now, as for you… (points at Boromir) Don't be a wimp, your city's still got a chance… (Aragorn) quit balking about your future or I won't let you marry my granddaughter… (Legolas) quit sulking about Gandalf, it was in the script… (Gimli) Ew… (hobbits who are oblivious of her words) And don't you guys give up either because… little guys are cool, okay?

Merry: Mffmff!

Pippin: (nom)

Sam: (gobble)

Frodo: (cram)

Galadriel: Okay, now that that's over, go have a rest! Tomorrow I'll have gifts ready for all of you and you can be on your way!

Boromir: So soon? I mean we've been travelling for months and it'd be nice to-

Celeborn: Hey! My wife offered you a night of rest and presents, don't go gettin' greedy.

(They are escorted to a comfy resting spot)

Sam: (hearing elves singing) What are they saying?

Legolas: It's a working song. They're weaving more moth's wings into cloaks.

Merry: They're doing what?

Legolas: What? They had to do something with the mess! Why not make shimmery cloaks that confuse predators?

Frodo: Weird…

Aragorn: Hey, Boromir, why the long face?

Boromir: Just thinkin' bout home…

Aragorn: Bad childhood, huh?

Boromir: What? No! I miss home! Yeesh!

Aragorn: Oh… you live in that… Minas Tirith place right?

Boromir: Yeah… I miss the flags… the people… my dad… little bro… (grins) the ladies.

Aragorn: Right…

Boromir: Have you ever seen it? The white pennants waving in the breeze, the clear ringing of silver trumpets…

Aragorn: Um… are we still talking about ladies?

Boromir: NO! My- OUR city! Minas Tirith!

Aragorn: OH! Right, um… I saw it a long time ago.

Boromir: Well sooner or later we'll wind up there. All roads lead to Gondor.

Aragorn: ….

Boromir: Then they can all shout stuff like "The Lords of Gondor have returned!" and we'll be like celebrities!

Aragorn:… isn't your dad the one who hates my guts for threatening his leadership?

Boromir: Um… maybe? But don't worry. He'll be so happy to see me that he'll forget all about that whole "the king's back" thing!

Aragorn: … sure…


	15. Gifts and Boats

**Gifts and Boats**

(The next morning, our group is lined up in front of Galadriel, Celeborn and Haldir. Haldir is holding a large sack out of which Galadriel is taking gifts for each Fellowship member. In the background, several elves are gathering more moths from inside the various lamps. Lorien moths are notorious for their Houdini-esque ability to get stuck inside things)

Galadriel: For each of you, cloaks woven from the wings of the Lorien moths. May their predator confusing qualities keep you safe upon your perilous journey. (She and Celeborn hand out cloaks)

RandomElf: (reaches for a lamp that is juuust too high for him)

Galadriel: For you, Aragorn and Boromir, knives forged from the fangs of the Lorien moths.

RandomElf: (is bombarded by several "not so dead" moths who swarm around his head as he flails about. Much muffled screaming is involved.)

Aragorn: Fangs? (glancing at RandomElf)

Boromir: Moths have fangs?

Celeborn: (handing them knives) Yes. Tiny, sharp fangs.

RandomElf: (Is joined by two others who attempt to wave the critters away with cloaks)

Galadriel: And for you, Legolas Greenleaf, a bow made from the wood of the Mallorn tree. And arrows fletched with moth's wings.

Boromir: You guys really make the most of this infestation thing don't you?

Haldir: Hush! The moths don't like it if you- Grmffff! (a moth hurtles out of nowhere, plunging into Haldir's mouth. The poor elf drops the sack of presents and tries desperately to open his mouth while the devious little moths hovering around him cheer on their brave comrade who is holding the elf's mouth shut. This is most likely some sort of hazing in which the brave moth is dared to see how long he can hold an elf's mouth shut…)

Celeborn: (picking up the sack) Please continue, dear.

Galadriel: Right… Merry and Pippin get smaller daggers.

Mer/Pip: (ooh and ahh over daggers)

Galadriel: For Sam, a rope made from the antenna of-

Aragorn: Okay, okay, now you're going too far!

Celeborn: What?

Aragorn: A rope? Made from moth antenna? How on earth is that supposed to help us at all?

Sam: (clutching rope as if to defend it from Aragorn's harsh words) What's wrong with it?

Aragorn: Look at it! How is something as fragile as a moth's antenna supposed to hold up the weight of… anything!

RandomElf2: (Runs up and smacks RandomElf1 across the head with what appears to be an elven shield. RE1 falls over and the moths hover for a moment before rushing RE2, stealing his shield and hitting him upside the head with a resounding clang)

Celeborn: Trust us… they're pretty strong.

Galadriel: Also for Sam, this box of powdered moth wing. Use it well.

Sam: Um… for what?

Galadriel: (moves on, ignoring Sam) Frodo…

Frodo: (cringes) You're not going to do that… green… thing again… are you?

Galadriel: No. For you I have the light of Elendil, our most beloved pet. (she gives Frodo a small vial in which a firefly is spazzing about)

Frodo: Um… a bug?

Galadriel: May he be a light for you when all other lights go out.

Frodo: Great… thanks… I think…

(Galadriel comes to Gimli who stands there grinning up at her. She hesitates… then passes him by, turning to address the Fellowship)

Galadriel: May your journey be swift and-

Gimli: HEY! What about me?

Celeborn: (noting his wife's wince) What could we possibly give someone of your… unique… species?

Gimli: (stares at Galadriel) I ask only for three hairs from her golden head…

Celeborn: (his eyes narrow dangerously… taking two steps forward he kicks Gimli firmly in the chest sending the dwarf flying off the edge of the platform)

Gimli: AHHHHHRRGGghhhh…

_THUMP…  
_Celeborn: THAT'S FOR OGLING MY WIFE!

Frodo: (winces) Do you have a backdoor or something?

Merry: Yeah… I don't think Pip needs to see what's left of our dwarf.

Pippin: I'm old enough!

Sam: Not till you're out of your tweens, Mr. Took. That there's bound to have more blood than you've ever seen.

Pippin: Oh…

Aragorn: (sighs) Thank you for the presents… Legolas, since YOUR gift wasn't made from moths with bad dental care, YOU get to go gather up the dwarf.

Legolas: WHAT!

Boromir: Better hurry up! (Rushes off with the others)

(Legolas marches off, carefully avoiding Haldir who is having an icky fit as well as the other elves who are both unconscious on the ground and being slowly dragged away by the moths)

(Later, our group is gathering their belongings and loading up the boats. Gimli is still unconscious and has been tossed into a boat along with the rest of the supplies. The hobbits are all in one boat chatting.)

Legolas: (walks up, pulling something out of a small pack as he does) Lembas! Elven muffins! Even one small bite is enough to fill the stomach of a grown man!

Merry: Nonsense. I had twenty just this morning.

Pippin: I had twice that.

Frodo: It was a contest. A messy, crumb-tastic contest.

Sam: I won.

Legolas: (pale) H… How many did _you_ eat?

Sam: I dunno… I lost count at around a hundred. (sees muffin in Legolas's hand) Are you gonna finish that?

Legolas: (Screams and runs away, dropping muffin and bag which the hobbits quickly rescue)

(Meanwhile…)

Celeborn: Aragorn, beware the beasts of Isengard.

Aragorn: Watch out for the what now?

Celeborn: (gives him a fancy dagger) Take this. And no… it's not made of anything moth-ish.

Aragorn: Cool!

Celeborn: Just… if you hear anything while you're out there… run.

Aragorn: … anything?

Celeborn: Yes, anything.

Aragorn: But what if-

(Legolas runs by, still screaming. He trips over a root and lays there for a moment before popping back up and continuing on his way, still screaming and nearly running over a very confused Boromir who is bringing more supplies to the boats)

Aragorn: … right. Anything.

Celeborn: Off you go now.

(The Fellowship, Legolas having been caught and brought back with much struggling and shouts of "Bottomless pits" and "Muffin monsters", is rowing down the river. Legolas is with Gimli who is not yet awake. Boromir has Merry and Pip and Aragorn has Frodo and Sam… the Lembas is with Legolas who refused to allow it anywhere near a hobbit)

Aragorn: (pokes Frodo) Look!

Frodo: Gnyaa! Watch it!

Aragorn: The Argonath! Long have I wished to gaze upon the faces of the kings of old… my kin.

Frodo: Well you don't have to shove me into the river to do it!

Sam: Wow… your kin had big feet. Were they part hobbit?

Aragorn: (sigh…)

(They row further down the river till they come to a sandy bank)

Aragorn: Let's stop here. Boromir! We're stopping. Quit rowing forwards!

Boromir: I'm not!

(Boromir's boat is steadily making its way along the river despite his desperate rowing in the opposite direction)

Legolas: It's the current! It's pulling them towards Rauros!

Boromir: It's doing WHAT? (rows faster)

Aragorn: Boromir! Use BOTH paddles!

Boromir: I'VE ONLY GOT _ONE_!

Pippin: WE'RE GOING TO **DIE**!

(Both hobbits begin screaming at the top of their lungs)

Aragorn: (facepalm) Boromir! Use the FLAT side of the paddle!

Boromir: (begins rowing the right way and their boat pulls out of the current, soon reaching the little beach with the others)

Legolas: How on earth did you make it all the way from Lorien using your paddle the wrong way?

Boromir: (gasp, pant) I'm a Gondorian… we can do these things…

Merry/Pippin: (still screaming)

Frodo: (pokes them)

Merry/Pip: (Stop screaming and hop out of the boat)

Boromir: (stares) It was that simple?

Sam: Most young hobbits have an off switch. You just hafta know where to find it.

Frodo: (proudly) I grew out of mine.

Merry: (huffily) Mine'll be gone soon. You just wait and see.

Pippin: (pokes Merry in the ribs)

Merry: (Begins screaming again)

Pippin: (poke)

Merry: (stops)

Pippin: (poke)

Merry: (Scream)

Pippin: (giggles… poke)

Merry: (stops)

Aragorn: Enough! (catching Pip's hand as he goes for another poke) No more of that, we get it!

(They unload the boats, Aragorn keeping a sharp ear out for… anything…)

Author's Note: Thank you so much for the reviews! You thrilled my plot bunny (the hobbit off switch was his idea. He likes to be poked ;) ). I'll try to get the next chapter up as soon as possible!


	16. Pareth Galen

**Author's Note: **Sorry this took so long, guys. Finals were getting to me…. But this is it! I have officially finished "Scriptless: The Fellowship of the Ring!" WOOHOOOO! *has a mad dance party* Now… on to The Two Towers! *Evil laughter* :D

**Pareth Galen**

(The group has set up camp and Gimli and Pippin are cooking some meat over the fire… much of it being eaten before the others get a chance to ask for some.)

Aragorn: Okay, people. Tomorrow morning we cross the river, bury the boats and walk the rest of the way to Mordor. We'll get in on the… (Examines map)… North side.

Gimli: What! Give me that map! (snatches map from Aragorn and lays it down on the sand. Legolas, Pippin, Merry and Sam come to look.)

Pippin: It looks like Gandalf drew on the map…

Merry: Are those dogs?

Legolas: Judging by the fang length I'd say Wargs.

Aragorn: It's a drawing, Legolas… the proportions are all wrong! That thing's bigger than Mount Doom on this map!

Legolas: (crosses arms) I still say they're Wargs.

Gimli: (Done examining the map, Gimli grabs Aragorn by the front of his shirt *something he is able to do since Aragorn was crouching beside him*) YOU MANIAC!

Aragorn: Whoa! What?

Gimli: You want us to go through THAT? (points) Twenty miles of quicksand, a fifty foot wall of solid rock, a lake of acid, and thirty miles of orc infested land!

Pippin/Merry: (eyes widening in horror)

Gimli: And that's not even half way to that blasted mountain! (shoves Aragorn back)

Aragorn: (picks himself up, brushing the sand off his clothes) Well that's the way Gandalf was going to go.

Legolas: Aragorn…

Aragorn: What?

Legolas: I believe the large "X" across that land was meant as a warning…

Aragorn: Naw… "X marks the spot." Gandalf knew that.

Gimli: Well this "X" marks the spot where we all get killed!

Aragorn: Well which way would YOU go, huh?

Gimli: (points smugly at the South side of Mordor) Through this part marked: "Point of entry."

Aragorn: (grumbles and snatches up the map, putting it back in his pack)

Legolas: (stiffens and shuffles over to where Aragorn is standing) We need to leave.

Aragorn: If you have to go, just go. I don't have time to handle your problems as well as four hobbits.

Legolas: I heard something.

Aragorn: (remembering Celeborn's warning) What was it?

Legolas: Singing…

Aragorn: What?

Legolas: I heard someone singing about wood.

Merry: Oh, that'll be Frodo.

Aragorn: WHAT?

Merry: He always sings when he gathers wood.

Aragorn: Who let him out of camp!

(All turn to look at Sam)

Sam: What? Boromir was with him.

Frodo: (singing) Wood, wood, lovely wood. Gathering the wood so we don't all freeze…

Boromir: Hey.

Frodo: MY WOOD!

Boromir: Whoa, there! I'm not here for your wood.

Frodo: (relaxes) Oh, okay then. What are you doing out here?

Boromir: Following you actually. You really shouldn't wander off like that.

Frodo: Um… you should go back to camp.

Boromir: Why? (Grabs another stick to add to his armload of firewood)

Frodo: Uh… let's just say I read somewhere that you really need to stay at the camp or… something bad will happen.

Boromir: (pauses) What do you mean? (eyes widen) You've seen a script!

Frodo: No! Well, yes but-

Boromir: Awesome! Tell me, when do we get to Gondor? (bundle of sticks abandoned, he sits on the ground, legs pulled up in front of him, listening like a small child hearing one of Bilbo's stories)

Frodo: I can't…

Boromir: (disappointed) Why not?

Frodo: It's… complicated.

Boromir: Aw, come on! (Sees the look on Frodo's face) Wait… (eyes widen)

Frodo: Uh… Boromir?

Boromir: You gotta be kidding me! We never go there!

Frodo: Well… WE don't…

Boromir: But I do?

Frodo: Not… exactly…

Boromir: Will you just tell me already!

Frodo: Fine, fine! You die.

Boromir: (in shock)

Frodo: Today when the big orcs attack you save Merry and Pippin but die in the process. It was a very heroic death… if somewhat pointless seeing as Merry and Pip get captured right after….

Boromir: WHAT!

Frodo: Sorry, man. It's in the script. (Heads back to camp)

Boromir: (Sits there for a while, thinking. Then he gets up, a determined look on his face) Well… forget that!


	17. The Breaking of the Fellowship

**The Breaking of the Fellowship**

Sam: that doesn't sound good…

Frodo: I'm back! (tosses wood near fire) What's goin' on?

Gimli: Aragorn's trying to get us killed…

Aragorn: (To Gimli) I'm ignoring you! (To Frodo) Where were you! You can't just wander off like that!

Frodo: Oh man! (facepalm) I wasn't supposed to come back yet! (turns around and runs off into the woods)

Aragorn: Frodo! (chases him)

Gimli:… now what?

Aragorn: FRODO! (Catches up and grabs Frodo around the middle)

Frodo: YIPE!

Aragorn: What are you DOING! For all we know the orcs are having a party out here somewhere! You can't just run off like that!  
Frodo: Leggo! I'm supposed to put on the Ring! (struggles)

Aragorn: No way! OW! No biting!

(Lurtz wanders out of the trees followed by a huge group of uruk-hai. They stare at the ranger and hobbit fighting on the leafy ground for a moment…)

Uruk1: Wha' are they doing?

Uruk2: Oi' have no oidea…

Frodo: Oh no! Too late! (Disentangles himself from Aragorn, kicking the ranger in the face as he does, and flees)

Aragorn: Oof! (Gets up slowly, rubbing his jaw ruefully. He turns and sees the Uruks) Uh… hi?

Uruk3: Hey. Who are you?

Aragorn: Um… no one of interest…

Uruk3: Oh… all roit then.

Uruk1: You fool! He's that ranger guy! (bops Uruk3 upside the head)

Uruk3: What ranger?

Uruk1: You know! The one with the Halflings!

Aragorn: (Quietly shuffles away as they argue)

Uruk3: Oh yeah! Hey! Where'd 'e go?

Aragorn: (Fleeing down the forest slope towards the camp) GUYS! WE'VE GOT COMPANY!

(Aragorn bursts out of the forest into the camp spooking Merry and Pip who take off into the forest screaming…)

Legolas: You dimwit ranger! Now we're missing three hobbits!

Aragorn: We're gonna be missing a whole lot more if we don't-

(Uruks burst out of the trees and attack. Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn and Sam all fight the Uruks while attempting not to be shoved into the nearby river…)

_Meanwhile…_

Frodo: AHHHHHH! (runs down hill)

Uruks: YAHHHHH! (chasing him down hill)

Frodo: (grabs a twig and holds it over his head, closing his eyes)

Uruks: (rush past, thinking Frodo is a tree)

Merry: (From his place behind a bush) Psst! Frodo!

Frodo: (shakes head frantically)

Pippin: What's he doing?

Frodo: (begins to shuffle away, twig still held up)

Merry: I think he's leaving…

Pippin: Not without us he isn't!

Merry: Pippin… I really don't think we have the time to sit down and have a group discussion…

Frodo: (Takes off running, leaving his twig behind)

Pippin: I know but couldn't we at least-

Uruk1: I found some! (grabs Merry and Pippin by the backs of their shirts and lifts them out of their hiding place)

Merry: HEY! (struggles)

Pippin: Let go! (struggles)

Uruk1: (gets kicked in the face, knocking his helmet clean off and revealing the handsome bearded face of Boromir)

Boromir: Ow! Watch it!

Merry: Boromir? What are you doing in an orc uniform?

Pippin: TRAITOR!

Boromir: No! Look, I'm just making a few changes to the script, okay? Lords of Gondor don't take kindly to being killed in the first movie.

Merry: Oh… could you let us down?

Boromir: Sorry, guys. You'd better come with me. That way I can keep an eye on you.

Pippin: Are you really that concerned about us or are you just using that as an excuse to be near central characters in order to get valuable information about the future plot?

Boromir: Um… I care?

Merry: Awww… (nudges Pip) Told ya.

Boromir: Off we go then! (carries hobbits off with the group of uruks)


	18. The End

**The End**

(Sam, Legolas and Gimli are stitting along the bank watching as Aragorn battles for his life against Lurtz. The other uruks ran off when Boromir did but Lurtz was left behind… possibly due to his bad leadership skills.)

Legolas: I still say he's a goner.

Gimli: Now, now, Master Elf. That big orc's still got some bite left in him.

Lurtz: (Nearly chops Aragorn's head off with his shield)

Sam: (munching on an apple) I say Aragorn kills the orc but then dies himself from blood loss.

Aragorn: A little… help… would be… appreciated!

Lurtz: (thinking Aragorn's comment was directed at him, pauses with a confused look)

Aragorn: (Lops Lurtz's head off)

Frodo: (Comes running out onto the bank… pauses, staring at the disheveled Aragorn and the others… then scurries to one of the boats and pushes it out, hopping in)

Sam: HEY! Where do you think you're going?

Frodo: (rows further out)

Sam: Frodo! Mister Frodo!

Frodo: (Whispers) Not this time, Sam…

Legolas: Should we stop him?

Aragorn: (Still catching his breath) No… it'll be easier… for just one hobbit to get into Mordor… rather than all of us.

Gimli: How do you feel about losing two hobbits?

Aragorn: What?

Gimli: Sam's swimming.

Aragorn: WHAT?

Sam: glub glub…

Frodo: SAM! (buries his face in his hands and bawls)

Legolas: (Sighs and calmly gets up, wades into the shallows where Sam is floundering, scoops him up and sets him in the boat which is only about a foot from shore)

Frodo: SAM! (Gives him a big hug)

Sam: Gandalf told me not to leave you, Mr. Frodo. (sniffle)

Frodo: That's alright, Sam. You can come.

Sam; That and I don't mean to let you leave with all the apples. (holds up a bag of apples that had been stashed in the boat)

Frodo: Right…

Legolas: (Watches as Frodo and Sam row to the other side and disappear into the woods) Wait… where are Merry and Pippin!

Boromir: (Bursts out of the forest, still dressed as an uruk with his helmet back on so they don't recognize him.) Uh… (pauses, glancing at the shocked group) We've got your little hobbit buddies so… don't follow us. Oh, and uh… that… Gondorian guy…

Aragorn: Boromir?

Boromir: Uh, yeah. He's… dead. (runs off)

Gimli: Well… that was odd.

Aragorn: Yeah… but we can't just leave Merry and Pippin with those Uruks.

Legolas: What about Boromir?

Aragorn: We've got his stuff. Let's just send that over Rauros. We don't really have time to search for a body…

Gimli: Fine with me.

(They load up the remaining boat with Boromir's shield, sword, horn and other various objects and send it over the waterfall, all looking very somber)

Aragorn: Okay, now that that's over… Let's hunt some orc!

Legolas: Uruk actually.

Gimli: Who cares.

Legolas: Lots of people! The fans for one!

Gimli: That was the quote!

Legolas: Yes but-

Aragorn: Leaving without you now!

(The Hunters head off)

**Epilogue**

Frodo: (Looking out at the mountains surrounding Mordor) Wow… this'll be fun. I sure hope the others are okay.

Sam: Don't worry. Strider can take care of them.

Frodo: Yeah… the same way he took care of Merry and Pippin and Boromir and-

Sam: Okay, okay! Point made! But there's really no reason to worry yourself over them, Mr. Frodo. We're not likely to see them again anyways.

Frodo: (sighs) I'm glad you're here, Sam…

_THE END… for now… :D_


End file.
